This just feels so crazily surreal. It only feels like yesterday that I started Japanese at Edinburgh. It‘s been two painful years, two awful flats, six terrible flatmates and several severed friendships. The years keep going in quicker and quicker and I know I’m too young to be thinking about losing time but when you have dreams and plans to Save The
It’s been a pretty emotional two days, saying goodbye, even for a year -which is nothing really, when you think about it- is really hard. I’m still reeling from all the tears and looove I’ve been feeling. I went out on Friday night with my nearest and dearest, a small party and a trip into Glasgow. It was so great. I wish I hadn’t cried so much though so I could have danced but oh well. I took Suzie, Lilee, Chris, Alisdair, Elizabeth, and Kat. It was so strange. I’ve known Kat since I was eight, Alisdair since I was nine, Chris since I was fourteen, Suze since I was sixteen, Elizabeth since I was seventeen and Lilee only in recent months. People from all kinds of different times in my life and been through all different kinds of angst teenage turmoil with all in one room and all saying the sweetest, most kind things about me, wishing me all the luck in the world and supporting me. It was intense. I felt so loved. The best thing about being loved by lots of people? Lots of free fucking booze.
I was wasted.
That was pretty quickly squished though, by the following night. I decided to split my weekend into 1)Close Friends and 2)Colleagues and Acquaintances. So, on Saturday night I booked a table at a local restaurant for 23 people, gave them a month’s notice, put flyers in the staff room, checked and double checked with everyone. Figured at most seven people would drop out. So, a table booked for 23 people. Three people came.
Yep. Three. Nobody called me, nobody apologised.
They didn’t even get me a present. One year working with these guys, chipping in for every person that left and their motherfucking birthdays even though I couldn’t afford it.
I was pretty appalled and outright furious. Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever been so angry. I mean, it’s fair enough that they are pretty cunty, selfish little bitches and I‘ve never had a good night out with most of them, but I honestly hadn’t expected or even thought of them to be so explicitly cruel and lazy. But in a way, it helped me too. If they’d been nice I would have been pretty weepy anyway. I like knowing that I’m leaving life’s trash behind me because that’s what they genuinely are. Can you imagine living your life, day in - day out, working in fucking retail? Dealing with the same shit on the same wage for decades of your life. A pathetic little sales assistant, living in the same town all your life. NAY - HITTING THIRTY AND LIVING WITH YOUR PARENTS. Jesus. To think I even gave them the time of my fucking day. I even thought a few of them were my actual friends, you know, hanging out with people and listening to their godawful, boring-as-shit stories about how they tried to kill themselves (hurry up and do it OOH HARSH?!), went to Australia, got dumped, loves someone that doesn’t even like them. Fuck’s sake. Do I feel downright duped.
But apart from that, the days here have been good. My suitcase is bursting, so over the weight limit. I’ve said goodbye to my friends, my family tonight. I’m leaving tomorrow for a train to London, fly on Tuesday to arrive in Tokyo on Wednesday. I hate flying so I’ll be pretty doped up for take off and Gakushuin is sending someone to pick us up from the airport. I’m going to miss all of my friends so terribly, but I’ll be able to speak to them on webcam, face book and so on . It’s not that big a deal. I think I’ll miss the real home comforts: my bed, cold rain, Glasgow at Christmas, my cat, mum’s horrible noodles. Little things like that. It’ll be hard at first and every now and then, I suppose. I’ll cry a lot and I’ll want to give up, but don’t let me! I’m going to stick at this as hard as I can. My language skills can only get better. It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity and I’m so lucky to have this adventure waiting for me.
So here I go.
Mostly now, it's just for people from my university who need guidance while they also move to Japan. It's totally public and includes a lot about me, it's up to you if you want to see what I'm up to over there and how frighteningly low my funds are. I'll probably crosspost a lot of stuff over here anyway, but so far I haven't, so it's up to you!
Oh, I did mention that right?
EXAMS AND I'M GOING
TO LIVE IN JAPAN FROM
I've sat both of my Japanese exams now. It feels very strange packing away all of my Japanese textbooks, I'm not too sure how I've done in all honesty. The exams were pretty tough and I know I made some pretty big mistakes. I started having weird panic attacks the week before the exam, so the doctor gave me something called Propanolol. She was so unfussed, like, "Um, yeah. I'm having panic attacks." "Have these drugs. They're called Propanolol." "Hah. Propanowhat? Lol." She wasn't amused. :( I thought they would make me all dizzy, so I didn't take them for the first exam, which was a bloody huge mistake. I totally freaked and couldn't do a damn thing for about half an hour (big deal in a three hour exam!) and it was the most annoying thing because I know all of the grammar so well. I've revised till I sweat blood, and I still stand a massive chance of failing. It's so depressing. I'll find out on the fifth. I'll be in Edinburgh that week because it's my birthday on the second of June, so I'll be partying it up here and then Suze is staying with me that week, which will be much needed as I'm fairly sure my heart will be jumping out of my throat every five minutes.
Truth of the thing is though, the more I think about the fact that I might've passed, the more I think about the fact that if I do, I will be living in Japan. Which is oholyshit kind of scary. One, because I cannot speak Japanese. Two, I'll be away from my familiy and I've never been away from them for any longer than a month. Three, I'm not entirely sure I can handle it. I mean I'm not thinking of backing out, terrified or not, I am making myself do this if I pass. I feel that although it's going to really hard at first, I think in the long-run this is going to be really good for me personally, I just need to really grow up and looking at my life as what I need to do with it. I know this must be pretty typical nineteen-going-on-twenty year old stuff, but I still feel like I should be making important decisions now. *drama queen*
I just need to pass. :(
I've still got my Kanji portfolio to hand in on Wednesday and my Scottish Ethnology exam on Friday, which will be pretty fail-tastic. But yeah, the second I'm out, I want my friends there with a big bottle of lambrini (classy burd!) and to drag me back home. Think I'll have a night out and say goodbye to everyone, so many people are leaving, or I am. Who knows? But yeah, it's strange to think that some of the people I've met this year are leaving uni or are done with uni and are going to do other things back home or abroad. It's weird to think I won't see them again, even if I'm not close to them at all. Whenever I say goodbye to someone, I always feel like there was something left unsaid, despite the fact there probably wasn't and I don't really think about them after they're gone. Well, I do, every now and then, but it's not like there's a void in my life. People come, people go. I guess it's up to me if I want to see them again.
I was talking to my ex-boyfriend (if you can call him that) online a little ago and we haven't spoken at all since we broke up a loooong time ago, I mean the breakup wasn't bad, we just never had anything in common. But he was talking about how much he'd miss me and how I'd be surprised and things like that. I'm going to meet up with again maybe next week or something. He's been pestering me every now and then to meet. It's going to be fantastically awkward. What the hell are we supposed to talk about? "So. You made out with me once after eating cheese. So not cool." Yeah, that'll be fun. Note to self: Not funny, do not bring up. Ooh dear.
I'm actually looking forward to going home next week. I miss my cat and my playstation (SADDO!). Oh my God, I just had a flash-forward to twenty years where I'm saying the same thing only I have wrinkles. Oh dear, but yeah. I miss working and hanging out and most of all, going to the gym. I hate the gym here so much. Y_Y Not going to think about it now!
Need to do more laundry. The mouse is in my cupboard, so I've been too afraid to open it and that's where I keep my dirty clothes. It's been a terrible week for pants, either major granny pants or thongs and sports bras. Not fun at all. Anyway, nothing else to report to nobody.
キャラクターは長期戦に戦いませんか旅に行きませんのに、「千と千尋の神隠し」は冒険談です。主人公は千という女の子です。 千は主人公ですが、千が魔力もきれいもじゃありません。 でも、たくさんの試練を受けるので、主人公です。映画は始まるとき、千と二親は見捨て
I'm just taking a break from my "studying" to be melodramatic and melancholy and other things that begin in 'm'. What have I been up to? Well, not much, really. First exam is on Tuesday 12th and I'm totally crapping my rubbish Primark pants about it. I keep reading my notes, thinking 'okay, I can do this, I understand this.' and then I come across something I'm not sure about and I want to suffocate myself with my pillow. It's a back and forth of not-quite-but-getting-there-panic attacks and unbelievable unmotivation. I do this almost every exam time, I just need to calm the shit down. I think I'm just spazzing out because so much depends on these exams. If I don't get a least 50% I can't go to Japan and I'll have to resit the year. I mean, I know 50% isn't much, but Japanese is hard! I know resitting a year is not such a big deal, but I'll just feel like I'm stupid and I've wasted so much time and all my friends will be in Japan having the time of their lives and I'll be stuck in crapsville, Edinburgh. Guh, I'm just going to keep studying as much as I can, I guess that's all I can do. Hope I don't panic in the actual exam, that's how I failed maths. *sigh* Grammar, kanji, compositions, essays, translations...why wasn't I raised bilingual? This would be so much easier.
Um, what else? Work has been alright, mostly because I've not been there. :P My boss has been pretty generous and is letting me off for this month so I can study. Time which has been put to much use! (To watch Coronation Street >.>) So, I've been back in Edinburgh which has been surprisingly nice actually. Psycho-Bitch!Flatmate has a boyfriend now, so she's mostly away at his place which has left a pleasant calm in the flat which I've enjoyed greatly. Seriously, I thought the bitch would be a bit clamer now she's getting laid, but she joined us for a game of...well, it was a sport and she was just so pissy with her ridiculously thinly veiled agression. I actually thought she was going to punch one of Flatmate#1's friends in the face. I don't know how anyone can put up with that. It's like she genuinely enjoys being mean, confrontational and angry with everyone. I hate people like that. For me, it takes an actual effort to be unkind to someone, when they deserve it - unless there's mitigating circumstances. But I can't just see someone and immediately talk down to them or ignore them or be nasty. I hate being impolite! Even if someone I didn't like needed help, I would give them it.
But apart from that, Edinburgh's been nice to me so far, I've been going out and seeing friends etc. Very exciting. Probably going to go see that shit X-men film that's out. Ah, it might be good. Rite? :P Anyway, the weather here in Edinburgh has been lovely. Too bad no-one wants to go out with me and study in it. I probably shouldn't anyway, I'll burn since I don't have like Factor Ten thousand suncream. >( Everything in my room is white, and the sun is so bright, it's like blanked out my skin, it's pretty funny. Especially first thing in the morning. Boring fact is pretty boring.
I've been thinking a lot about taking chances and waiting for things and people who are afraid to just live their lifes and wait around for something or one to come to them. I'm quite bad for that, I always say things like, 'oh well, if it doesn't happen, it clearly wasn't fate.' and other stupid things. I think I'm just afraid of silly things, I mean, I hate that I get ridiculously hung up on all of these little things that in the long run really don't mean anything at all. It irritates me. But then again, maybe these things do matter, I mean it's easy to say 'live your life, grab the bull by the horns' but maybe we're afraid to do these things for a reason? Maybe we're really not meant to do certain things. Haha, or maybe that's just fear talking? Or maybe I'm just trying to rationalise something I know I shouldn't do. But then again, if I want to do it, but shouldn't do it? Why...I think I've lost my trail of thought. ;P
Fuck it. Kanji awaits.
But he didn't get it, and I was forced to return to my flat sandwichless, but plus one bruised banana. Life is tough sometimes.
Oh, extra note. My application forms for Japan are officially handed in and hopefully gone for good.
Two essays; (one for ethnology – don’t even know what that subject is about! One for Japanese on something that has fucking nothing to do with anything that matters, this particular teacher is the world’s biggest fucking dumbass. God. I would give so much just to be able to kick this bastard in the face.) A kanji test, a speech to learn for Japanese, my Gakushuin university application forms (they want an essay from me too ;___;) and not to mention all the grammar I’m trying to catch up on/learn, the kanji I need to catch up on and then there’s the fact that I have an exam in Scottish Ethnology and I have no bloody idea at all what the subject is about. I went to the library, right, to get books for it and I ended up getting books in french! What a total numpty, I am.
Oh, yeah. I have high blood pressure. I’m nineteen and I have high blood pressure. Wtf?
Flatmate #3 is pissing me off as per usual, woke up at 4:30am to discover she’d brought home a few blokes for who knows what reason and she sat with them shouting and laughing outside my bedroom door. Not just outside it. Actually leaning against it. Yeah.
Finally had a row with Claire. Knew that was coming, haven’t talked to her for about five weeks. Can’t say I mind, really. I’m feeling really quite refreshed to be away from her crushing negativity. It’s a bit sad though, because she’s made enemies out of quite a few people in the class now so I’ve sort of gotten custody of our friends. I don’t want her to be miserable, I still like her, but in all honesty, I like me more and I’m glad my social life is broadening. I’m a bitch, aren’t I? But yeah, every time I like have to go off somewhere else I can’t hang out that day she goes with them instead and then sort of...makes a big show of it? Almost every single time she posts about it on Facebook. Like: “Claire Martin IS SO FUCKING HAPPY, YAY OMG, I HAVE FRIENDS!” Okay, it’s not like that exactly, but I’M READING IN BETWEEN THE LINES. :P Yeah, so although it was a somewhat petty argument, I’m really not happy with being around her without an apology for the aboslutely ridiculously offensive things she said. I just can’t do that kind of “let’s analyse each other, I know everything about you” kind of friendship anymore/again. I have my soulmate friends and I’m happy to leave it at that. I’m glad that I’m fucking about and meeting new people and having different groups and so on.
Will got the fucking shit kicked out of him by a couple of randoms a week or so ago. He just walked away for like five minutes, don’t even know where he went and then the police were all over me asking me to follow them and that my friend had been assaulted. I was like, “LOL, no, no. My friends are right ther- um...” Yeah and then he was pushed against this car with blood all over him and his clothes were all ripped and bloodied and his face was like out to here *gestures with hand* and god, it was so awful. I’ve never seen anything like it. It wasn’t even really that bad, you know? All in all, he had to get a couple of stitches on his chin and his elbow was broken, he had to get surgery done.
It could have been so much worse and thank God, it wasn’t. But I dunno. It really shook me up for a few days. I think it might have been because of the kind of person Will is, you know? I’ve said before he’s pretty charming and magnetic, so it was just fucking awful to see him even unable to move or barely talk. Even if was just an hour or so. I thought I would be crying, I was quite surprised at myself for being fairly dry-eyed. I’m a cryer! I cry all the time, that’s why. But I wasn’t that bad. Then, like. We arrived at the hospital in the ambulance and they took him away on this dumbass wheelchair thing I took the piss out of. But, the second he was gone, I literally burst into tears, like seriously. Didn’t stop crying till like six am, it was insane. I felt so bad for his girlfriend, Emma who must have been so freaked out by me crying, she must have thought he was dying or something. Then, she went in to see him and came back to me like, “Lol. Dude. He’s fine.” I felt like such a fanny. A stupid, drunk, fanny.
But he’s the stupid, drunk cunt that started the fight.
(sorry, if you’re reading this!)
I found out on Valentines Day that Kieran has a secret girlfriend. Yay. *sigh*
I was pretty crushed, but I’ve not really had serious feelings for him for a little while anymore. It still hurt though, obviously. It hurt to see the kind of girl he was into, the kind of girl I’m really not. It made me feel just a little cheap and more than a little worthless. Maybe I’m just being silly. Not trying to sound pathetic and miserable, but I’m used to it by now, really. This sort of “oooh, exciting, butterfly crush” that lasts months and months being an utter and complete heartbreaking mess. It’s happened enough times now for me to know exactly how each encounter with a bloke is going to end up.
It’s just, I’m starting to see a real pattern in my life where the guys I like, like really want to be with don’t even look twice at me, or think I’m a total weirdo. But the men with wives, the blokes with girlfriends look at me once, twice and yeah. So on and so forth. And even if I like them, we all know exactly what they bloody want from me and it’s not to hold my fucking hand on a moonlit night. I’m just not the kind of girl that men want to keep, want to be with. At least that is the way it seems sometimes. I keep trying to forget about that mess with Joe and for the most part, I don’t feel guilty for whatever it was that happened between us and his wife certainly got her own back. But when I saw Kieran with his lovely, redhead girlfriend holding her hand and looking into her eyes, and even though I didn’t even have anymore feelings for him, it did make me feel really...cheap.
You have to keep smiling though, right? If you can’t be happy with yourself, how can you be happy in a relationship. Oh, I know I won’t be alone forever and I’m not cheap. I’m nice enough, my hair always smells nice and I tell funny stories. Surely to God, some wonderful guy that I’m actually attracted to will come along at some point.
Oh, things might sound pretty awful, but I'm actually in fairly good spirits. But is it any wonder why I have high blood pressure?
Still, even saying that and despite trying my hardest to keep a smile on my face, I can't help but be a bit sad right now. It's just my usual nonsense about being lonely. I had a fairly shit, wait, super shit weekend and my mum was out gallivanting, so I had no-one to really talk to or be around much. Same thing, being back here. When you're left alone, you tend to think far too much.
Well, I do anyway. I wish I could blank out everything and just focus on my studies. Alas. Just not happening.